Here's Lookin' at You, Kid

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Fat Eye for the Skinny Guy

Give Me Back My Cigarette Break!

So I've been smoking cigarettes for about 10 years now. I started back in high school as a tactic to try and pick up chicks. But, like all of my other tactics, it failed. Miserably. And all I got out of it was this stupid nicotine addiction and a free air mattress. Go Marlboro miles!
After graduating college I started working and watched life's suck-o-meter skyrocket. It wasn't long after that when a fellow co-worker introduced me to the cigarette break.
"You mean, you get a free ten minute break five times a day just to smoke a cigarette?" I asked with wonder.
"You sure do!"
"But what about the people who don't smoke cigarettes oh wise one? What happens to them?"
"They get to stay up there and work in your place because they're boring assholes oh little apprentice of mine."
"Neat!"
Day after day I would long for those 10 minute breaks. That very special alone time us aggravated, agitated, stressed-out nicotine freaks oh so adore. And for awhile, it was bliss.
Until yesterday.

CONTINUE READING

Waiting for Dorothy

Ministry of
The Christmas Spirit of Upper Management

This year, it's fabulous to be a corporate drone.
------------
You are bidding on my Christmas Bonus!

I am an Aircraft Mechanic, and the company I work for, Horizon Airlines, has blessed me this year with: a wonderful Collectable coffee mug. It is made of Fine China. I know this to be true, because when I turn it over, it says china, in fine letters. It is adorned with printed images celebrating our sacrifices to the Company, thanking us for our hard work at the Company, and even takes credit for our skill and knowledge.

It comes with 1 piece of chocolate candy wrapped in golden foil. The cup originally came with 5 pieces of chocolate candy wrapped in golden foil, but my kids ate 4 pieces before I could stop them. I know this diminishes the overall value of this excellent Christmas gift. However, the included unopened chocolate covered graham cracker cookie certainly overshadows the loss of the 4 golden foil wrapped chocolate candies. The Crowning Glory of this Testament to the Spirit of Giving is the tea bag. Yes folks, Horizon Air pulled out all the stops when they ensured we had something to actually drink from the cup of Fine China.

One single teabag. The movie Christmas Vacation was based around the fact that [Clark] Griswold only received; a "Jelly of the Month" club membership from his boss. I got a teabag.

You see, when a Company like Horizon Air makes a little less than a BILLION dollars a year in revenue, we understand that a ham, turkey, or even a 7-11 gift certificate could potentially wipe out a Director or VP Holiday bonus, resulting in Christmas Tree Chaos. Therefore we do without. Year after year we are snubbed with $5 Blockbuster gift cards, to unsellable, poorly written, meaningless books about the Airline itself. The Mechanics at Horizon Air have had no raises in years, but thankfully the raises and bonuses never end for our upper management. The Spirit of Giving lives on at Horizon Air, except for those that make the airline great.

CONTINUE READING HERE, study the fine photos supplied, and then determine your E-Bay bid.

Dooce

How to Charm Me

When I ask if you have heard about what happened to Petra Nemcova answer, “What? Did he get elected?”

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Madness Takes Its Toll. Please Have Exact Change (Singapore)

The Stigmatised and the Defensive

I was talking to a friend on the phone about how he is so defensive about Islam. Let's call this friend. . . hmm. . . Joe.

Me: You know Joe, you are so damn defensive about Islam all the time. Ok so your dad doesn't wanna post a sticker in front of his door just to hide the fact that you guys are Muslim. But he's so Malay looking? Erm. . . Who wldn't guess that he's probably Muslim.

Joe: He doesn't look Malay ok. A lot of people look at him and think he's Indian or something else.

Me: Well, I'm TELLING YOU that as an outsider, your father looks Malay. Both you and your dad! Your sister and mom looks Indian la. . . But anyway why u don't want people to know? Scared they will bomb you? haha. . . (Laughing at the image of a headline in the Straits Times. "Muslim family bombed by terrorists for putting an Islamic verse on the front door!")

Joe: Yeah! (agitated) Yeah ah whatever!!! He doesn't look Malay. And anyway I think that's the right way to live la! Not show anyone that we are Muslims.

Me: (slightly agitated) Okay so you are saying that people don't know now?

Joe: No!

Me: You know what your problem is? You are too defensive when it comes to Islam. You have to admit it la. . . You know ah...not everybody is gonna think you are a terrorist or a horrible person because you are Muslim what!? You are telling me that the world hates you because you are Muslim huh?

Joe: Yeah! The world hates us what!

Me: Eh Hello! You know ah. . . I have Chinese friends who are very well read abt Islam and they actually defend Islam. Ok? People actually read and make up their own mind.

Joe: Singaporeans don't read! Look at all the NUS students! They don't know anything about the world. THEY ARE NOT well read?!! (even more agitated)

Me: Yeah ok whatever it is, you are damn defensive especially in your blog. People think you are angry. Even my friends, my colleagues think so!

Joe: Your friends? Who are your friends? Eh I have the right to write anything ok. Who are they??

Me: Eh you don't know my friends what! I tell you also for what. That's not important. The thing here is that you are defensive about Islam when people haven't even done anything. You assume everyone's out to attack your character just cos you are Muslim la.

Joe: Who are your friends? Huh?? I have a right to know who reads my blog! Who are they?!

Me: Eh the whole damn internet has access to your blog la. How are you suppose to know who reads your blog and who doesn't. Doesn't matter right?

Joe: Who? Tell me! Must be your gang la!

Me: See you are assuming again. You don't even know who my friends are and you already accused them of being "MY GANG". What does that imply ah? That everyone in "my gang" hate Islam la?

Joe: Ok BYE

Me: Ah see! Must sulk la. You get all defensive whenever I talk about Islam to you.

Joe: I can write anything I want on my blog ok. It's my right to speak up. I am NOT DEFENSIVE! Ok la ok. . . BYE.
****
Me: See JOE you are damn defensive la. You always assume that my friends hate Islam la. Jne knows a lot abt Islam and. . . (got cut off)

Joe: Eh When did I say they hate Islam? You never even let me speak ok?!!

Me: Ok fine you didn't. . . but you implied that they hate it.

Joe: (Voice progressively grows into a shrill pitch) Eh fuck you LA!!! FUCK You!! fuckit! You didn't even let me EXPLAIN! FUCK YOU LA FUCK YOU!!!
****
BANG!!! (slams down the phone)

Me: hahahahahaha. . . haha. . . shit. . . (me texts Joe: Hahah. . . You are crazy la. . . hahaha. . .)


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Walter Sobchak for Secretary of Defense

Originally uploaded by Grace Nearing.

Walter Sobchak -- he knows 'Nam, he knows Iraq

Walter: Sure you'll see some tank battles. But fighting in desert is very different from fighting in canopy jungle.
Dude: Uh-huh.
Walter: I mean 'Nam was a foot soldier's war whereas, uh, this thing should be a fucking cakewalk. I mean I had an M16, Jacko, not an Abrams fucking tank. Just me and Charlie, man, eyeball to eyeball.
Dude: Yeah.
Walter: That's fuckin' combat. The man in the black pyjamas, Dude. Worthy fuckin' adversary.
****
Walter: Whereas what we have here? A bunch of fig-eaters wearing towels on their heads, trying to find reverse in a Soviet tank. This is not a worthy adversary.

Walter Sobchak -- ever vigilant against terrorists, insurgents, pacifists, and, uh, nihilists

Walter: Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.
****
Walter: Fucking Germans. Nothing changes. Fucking Nazis.
Donny: They were Nazis, Dude?
Walter: Oh, come on Donny, they were threatening castration!
****
Dude: And, you know, he's got emotional problems, man.
Walter: You mean... beyond pacifism?

Walter Sobchak -- a man committed to military discipline and constitutional law

Walter: Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one who pays attention to the rules any more?
****
Waitress: Excuse me, sir. Could you please keep your voices down? This is a family restaurant.
Walter: Oh please, dear! For your information, the Supreme Court has roundly rejected prior restraint.

Walter Sobchak -- religious but ecumenical, a Polish Catholic turned observant Jew

Walter: I'm as Jewish as fuckin' Tevye!
****
Donny: How come you don't roll on Saturday Walter?
Walter: I'm Shomer Shabbos.
Donny: What's that Walter?
Walter: Saturday, Donny, is Shabbos, the Jewish day of rest. That means that I don't work, I don't drive a car, I don't fuckin' ride in a car, I don't handle money, I don't turn on the oven, and I sure as shit [shouts] don't fucking roll! Shomer shabbos!
****
Walter: Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax -- YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I LIVE IN THE PAST! I -- Jesus. What the hell happened?

Walter Sobchak -- a man who will personally sign condolence letters, attend funerals, and even give eulogies

Walter: Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. . . . He died -- he died as so many of his generation, before his time. In your wisdom you took him, Lord. As you took so many bright flowering young men, at Khe San and Lan Doc and Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And Donny too. Donny who... who loved bowling. . . . We commit your mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Goodnight, sweet prince.

Walter Sobchak -- a Secretary of Defense you could bowl a few frames with while enjoying a coupla beers!

UK Department of Social Scrutiny

Money & Commerce Index

Work for the Government
We need a team of outgoing psychopaths who are great at working under extreme pressure. No academic qualifications are necessary, but you will need to exhibit enough interpersonal and communication skills to win people’s trust shortly before you have them assassinated.

Find Freedom For Your Money
JazzBank yeah, plc is here to spread freedom. Freedom to bank, freedom to manage your finances, freedom to speak directly to your manager during office hours in the Republic of Tonga.

Enter The Prize Draw
You are one of the 12 million lucky, lucky people to be drawn from our Database of the Most Easily Flattered for our World of Coffee Tables Nigerian Bank Scam Prize Draw.

About Your Habitat
The Department of Social Scrutiny has released the latest part of its Identity Cards Initiative - About Your Habitat - which will collect details about where you live in order to plan the best route to follow you home.

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Nabakov's Picks for 2004

Twisties
Originally uploaded by Grace Nearing.

Nabakov's Picks for 2004

__ Browser of the year - Firefox
__ Trashy fun movie of the year- Hellboy
__ Car of the year - Bentley Continental GT
__ Political resignation of the year - David Blunkett
__ Wild science moment of the year - a rat brain flying a F-22
__ Babe of the year - Scarlett Johannsen
__ Junk food of the year - Twisties Cheddar Zigzags
__ Best use of an industrial chemical in an election of the year - the Ukraine
__ Remastered re-release of the year: Pink Floyd's "The Piper At The Gates of Dawn"
__ Worst Lord of the Rings film of the year - "The Return of the King"
__ Untimely blog death of the year - Tugboat Potemkin/Back Pages
__ Best building website of the year - www.skyscraperpage.com
__ Shoe of the year - the Dunlop Volley
__ Cat that shed the most hair in my flat this year - Mauser

Posted by: Nabakov on December 16, 2004 06:38 AM (via)



HellBoy (via)

Call Centre Confidential

The Important Room

Mary had booked the Important Room that we are never allowed to go in, for the meeting about stationery. I was ready to be publicly exposed as the main culprit for the rising costs in the office. I rehearsed my leaving speech in preparation: “I may be going – but at least I discovered what gridding tape is – how many people can say that?”

The Important Room has a long, narrow table down the centre; like a decorating-paste table, and a big plant in the corner. Brenda loves the table because you can’t help but sit really, really close and breathe on the person opposite. “What’s this? A ‘stare-out’ competition.” Martin said as he sat down.

I laughed (with nerves), but everyone else was far too serious.

Everyone in the meeting was clutching a cup with a cardboard jacket from the Death Wagon. Every time Brenda crossed her legs, she kicked me hard in the shin.

Mary led the meeting and after an hour, six sheets of flip chart paper, six different coloured markers, some blue tac and ten copies of a 10 page report, we came up with a cost saving strategy:

“We pledge to use less stationery.”

It’s a simple but effective strategy I feel.

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Today in Alternate History: Important Events in History That Never Occurred Today

Sunday, December 26, 2004

The Father of the Difference Engine Is Born
Today in Alternate History:

in 3761, a day after an unusual visit by three mysteriously disappointed men bearing wonderfully wealthy gifts, not to mention having a bright star shine in her eyes the entire previous night, a young Hebrew woman gave birth to a healthy boy she and her husband named Yeshua. He grew up to be an impressive carpenter in their home village of Nazareth.

in 1792, Charles Babbage, a mathematical genius truly ahead of his time, was born this day near London, England. He developed the plans for a massive calculating machine he called the Difference Engine. Although he died without seeing the machine built, the Difference Engine he designed was built by Thomas Edison in 1872, and revolutionized the world.

Click here for more entries.

I Am Dr. Laura's Worst Nightmare

Asshat Mail #2. The more they hate, the more I donate.

"I did it, I read your little rant on why you HATE Dr. Laura and all I can say is that I feel SOOOOO sorry for you. Your head is twisted, your morals are - well, I'm not EXACTLY in a position to totally judge but when you don't see something wrong with sluts, when you are on a third marriage and you think there isn't a problem with gays' - then honey, you're twisted.

I'm so happy that the MAJORITY of the country DOESN'T agree with you. I'm happy that more and more young folks are turning back towards God. I'm so happy that the various states crushed those petitions to make gays legit - they aren't and that kind of behavior is what helps to tear down our society.

Too bad for you dear - my prediction - another divorce (sooner or later). Your daughter will end up on drugs and pregnant because she will see no reason not to. Eventually she'll have several divorces complete with a few kids some from husbands, some not. It's not a pretty picture, I'll pray for you, that's all I can do."

December 23, 2004, from mailto:hhh@aol.cohhh@aol.com

Dr. Laura's Worst Nightmare response?

Honestly, my first take was - It's two days before Christmas! Who has the time to write this crap? Doesn't this asshat have some holiday shit to do? Last minute mall shopping? Baking? Food prep? Gift wrapping? I was in the midst of curling some ribbon for one of our kiddos' presents when this email popped up on my laptop monitor. Anyway. . . CONTINUE READING

Lost in Transit

Krampus
Originally uploaded by Grace Nearing.

Christmas Season (Austria)

Sometimes it's hard to keep track of the Christmas season traditions here, especially as they gradually inflate.
First we celebrate Krampus and Nikolo some time in the first week of December, I think around the 5th (Krampus) and the 6th (Nikolo). Nikolo is the good guy, the bishop, where you put out your shoes the night before and he fills them with sweets, or at our house, peanuts, tangerines, a few sweets (usually chocolate Nikolos that look suspiciously like left-over Easter Bunnies wrapped in new foil) and underwear. Is there a patron saint of underwear?
Krampus is Nikolo's devilish sidekick. He goes around beating bad children. Our youngest daughter Gamma, aware how naughty she is, has been terrified of him ever since we explained to her what his function is. Kids would get coal, I suppose, or nothing at all really, since Nikolo is the day for the small presents, although women might be given naughty lingerie for Krampus, combining the underwear theme of the following day with the naughtiness inherent in Krampus.

More on an American expat's explorations of Christmas in Austria here.

Stocking Stuffers

Originally uploaded by Grace Nearing.

For the Norwegian take on the dark side of "God Jul," click here for En Satans Julkveld -- De mange heksesakene fra Nord-Norge bekrefter at jula var en tid hvor man trodde demoniske krefter var svært aktive. Mange kvinner endte derfor pa balet, anklaget for julefeiring med satan. Run it through the NewsTran.com translator for a wonderfully fractured fairy tale.

For those Santa-doubters out there, check out "The Physics of Santa Claus," here.

Enjoy photos of Christmases past at Snapatorium, a collection of found photos. Personal picks: the wonderfully whimsical Richter family.

Finally, for all things Festivus, check out this site. Airing of Grievances photo via The Poorman.

Have a Disco Christmas! (via)

Something to Say (Singapore)

What i did on christmas eve - orchard

i went to amk library and borrowed some books. i went to orchard with some frens.

orchard seemed like a giant battlefield. there was foam fighting everywhere. getting from orchard to somerset was no mean feat.
while most people would only 'engage' those holding a can of foam in their hands, there were some 'extras' who 'attacked' anyone they saw.

after doing some stereotyping, i concluded that there were two kinds of foam sellers, one is the average poly student and the other is the average uncle or auntie. however, their customers include teenagers, young adults, foreign workers and some parents with kids. groups that were the most 'wild' were the those aged 15 and above to the late twenties.

once 'contacted' they would spray at their 'opponent' mercilessly, often with the help of a few frens. i kept telling my frens that we were in 'a danger zone' with no 'ammunition' and that we were prone to 'ambushes' especially around the 'high risk' areas near cineleisure.

cars exiting from mandarin hotel were the worst hit. they had to deal with heavy human traffic on the way out, as well as endure the emotional torture of being sprayed at. the ground was littered with spray cans of all sorts of colours as well as limited amounts of confetti. i saw some teenagers kicking the empty cans for fun, but some hit me and my frens.

i heard laughter from them, those sadists. it was very painful but what could i do, go to them and 'express my anger' by 'beating them up'? i felt frustrated and after a while they had mingled into the crowd and were gone so i could not return their 'favour'.

recalling the scene in orchard during the last new year's eve
i concluded that there were two days in the year that 'mobbing', 'littering', 'fighting', 'vandalism' and 'various forms of violent acts that involve the use of foam spray cans' were acceptable in a public area - the eves of new year and christmas.

afterall, yesterday was supposed to be 'silent night'


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Diamond Geezer

Xmas
Originally uploaded by Grace Nearing.

X-1
Preparing for Christmas Emergencies

Helping to Prevent a Terrorist Attack

Government intelligence suggests that an attempted terrorist attack on your home is imminent.

On the evening of 24th December a white-bearded extremist, possibly with stockings over his head, plans to break into your home and leave a suspect package at the foot of your child's bed. International police have been informed. Await deliverance.

Keep alert
__Look out for suspicious vehicles, such as flying sledges.
__Block your chimney (or buy a house with central heating).
__Leave out a glass of sherry laced with rohypnol.
__Children -- be vigilant! Stay awake all night if necessary.

You may have vital information to help the authorities. If you hear sleigh bells, see an old man distributing presents in a busy shopping mall or come across reindeer droppings on your lawn, please tell the police immediately. They want to see Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen and the rest of the Rednose gang behind bars as soon as possible.

Terrorists need --
A place to live: Are you suspicious about an elderly Scandinavian gentlemen who's recently moved into an igloo down your street?
To plan: Have you seen anyone pay an unusual amount of attention to your rooftop, or to those of your neighbours?
Equipment: If you are a retailer, has anyone come into your shop recently and asked for a faster-than light high-capacity sled?

With your help, and with continued public vigilance, this evil empire can be thwarted. Or we'll just bomb Finland and ask questions later. One day, we hope, you'll be able to tell your children that 'Father Christmas' doesn’t exist any more.

Be reassured that overnight festive break-ins like this are very rare. Don't have nightmares out there. Do sleep well over Christmas.

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Rednecks Revenge

When Does the War Start?

I have recently been voicing my opinion that we need to walk away from Iraq and leave them to their cultural devices. I knew that would be interpreted by some as “So the Pro-War Hawk wants to retreat”, and that’s certainly not the case. On the surface my suggestion could be seen in that light, but anyone who has been exposed to my POVs for the last year, should be able to see this development in perspective of my overall views. However my good friend Dody Gunawinata recently suggested:

So have you finally seen the wisdom of Pass the Gas and other ardent opponents of OIF [Operation Iraqi Freedom]?

They *knew* the Iraqi war is un-winnable probably for the same historical reason you presented.

I suspect he knows me and Pass came to similar conclusions from diametrically opposed perspectives, but just in case…let me clarify mine.

Read on.

Inblognito

Ed Wood
Originally uploaded by Grace Nearing.

Victor's Secret

My husband and I were watching Ed Wood on HBO the other night. In case you haven't seen the film, it's the story of a spectacularly unsuccessful cross-dressing 50's B-movie director, and his touching relationship with the smack-addicted and washed up Bela Lugosi. It's an okay film - Tim Burton, you know - but really nothing to write home about. We'd seen it before, so I wasn't so much watching as using the background noise as a distraction from the mundane task of folding laundry.

"God, what a bitch," intoned my sensitive new-age spouse. We'd just hit the scene where Ed reveals his angora fetish to his long-time girlfriend and she rejects him. "You'd think if she loved him, she could put up with a little weirdness," he said.

I glanced at the TV - Sarah Jessica Parker having a horsefaced meltdown over her boyfriend's secret tranny leanings - then turned to face my husband. "Putting up with 'weirdness' is one thing," I said. "Expecting a lady to be able to work up a good wet for a hairy-chested bugger who's wearing her panties is another thing entirely."

My husband gave me that disapproving look, that "my, aren't we intolerant today," glare.

I take crap from his loving, giving, kum-ba-yah ass over shit like this all the time and I was having none of it at the moment. I replied, in a cutting tone, "Well, have you ever tried to bone a dude who was wearing your unmentionables? No - never mind, I don't want to know. It would be a total dealbreaker if you had, and I have no desire to be a single mother. Suffice it to say that I have tried it, and it ain't just a matter of acceptance. It's a visceral thing, man."

Of course, this led to the story, which my husband swore he'd never heard before. . . .

This gets interesting. Read on.

The Dude Abides

The Dude: Yeah, well. The Dude abides.

The Stranger: The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.

The Dude: The Dude abides.

The Stranger: I guess that's the way the whole durned human comedy keeps perpetuatin' itself.

Anonymous Lawyer

Associated Anxiety

I've been sensing some anxiety from associates over the year-end bonuses. We haven't announced yet. Whenever associates ask me about it, what I like to do is tell them I think they're going to find out later that day. It freaks them out. It's fun to watch.

Look, every year we match our peer firms. We shouldn't, but we do. There shouldn't be any suspense. We're going to match. They know we're going to match. But still, they worry. They hover around the partners when they see us talking in the hall, wondering if we're discussing the bonuses. We're not. We're talking about the inappropriate outfit the paralegal is wearing, or the rumor about the associate who got genital warts from the proofreader at the copy center.

I've consistently argued that we should announce that we're giving $5.00 less than our peers. Nothing substantial, but to put everyone on edge, a little bit, and motivate them to do better next year. "They didn't match," people would say. "It must mean we're not working hard enough." And then they would stay in the office just a little bit later, or do just one more profit-generating Lexis search. We'd light a fire under them.

It's amazing what $5.00 will do. We switched from store-brand cookies in the attorney lounge to real Oreos and we got e-mails praising the decision. Costs perhaps two dollars more per day. The profit on four photocopies. I'm willing to have my secretary make four extra photocopies to charge to clients every day if it means people will thank me for upgrading to brand-name cookies. It's a sacrifice I'm happy to make.

Follow-up on the judicious comments here.

Void Where Prohibited

Karma to Burn (Australia)

When They Tell Just That Bit Too Much

I'm reading a book called That's My Boy, by Jenni Murray. JM is British, has an OBE, is a patron of the Family Planning Association and hosts The Women's Hour on Radio 4. She's right up there on my list of esteemed women.

I spotted her tome about raising happy and confident sons and decided it was worth a read. She's written the book so earnestly and chattily, so it's good value, but every now and then Jenni is unintentionally hilarious and I just can't take her seriously.

On boys turning laddish:
"I've never insisted a poster (of a naked woman) was taken down and only asked that any magazines or pictures should be put away so as not to offend my sensibilities or that of our cleaner..."

On toilet training:
"I have to say, we never had any problems with potty training, but we did have the live-in help of Jeanne, our properly trained nanny who never became anxious about anything, as far as I can recall."

On the subject of marital break down:
"The grass is so rarely greener on the other side and our boys' sense of well-being and security is surely more important than having a new love affair or resolving who washes the kitchen floor."

On co-sleeping with children:
"This carried on (the boys climbing into bed with them) until they were both around three or four and eventually led to David (JM's life partner) setting himself up in a spare room and we have, very comfortably I should add, and with mutual agreement, had our own rooms ever since."

I read this last one out loud to Hubbs and he fell down laughing. He has gleaned from this book that the way to raise a confident and happy son is to have a live-in nanny, a cleaner, and a large house with at least four bedrooms.

Looking for Karma to Burn? Click here.

Waiter Rant

Waitroninator

The waitress fucked up. She told the customer the salad special is $10.95. When he gets the bill it says $12.95. He’s screaming for the manager. Tonight that’s me.

“That salad has buffalo mozzarella in it. It came from Italy. Fluvio picked it up at Kennedy Airport. Do you know how much that shit costs us?” I tell the Maria the waitress.

“Oh please take care of it please!” she pleads.

I go over to the table.

“Hi sir I’m sorry for the misunderstanding but the salad special is $12.95. The prices vary day to day and the waitress just made a mistake,” I say apologetically.

Staring at me with his beady little eyes the man yells “CHANGE THE PRICE TO THE ONE SHE QUOTED!”

Like the cyborg killer in Terminator, a menu of options flickers up in the view screen of my eyes

WAITRON TARGETING SYSTEM – ACTIVATED.

TARGET ACQUIRED

SPECIES: Yuppie Boomeranus Maximus

STRENGHTS: Money, Political Power

WEAKNESSES: Greed, Vanity, Inflated self importance, Viagra addiction, Fifty year sense of entitlement.

TACTICAL OPTIONS:

a. Say sorry and run away like little bitch. CAUTION! Will cause Waitron Unit to self destruct

b. Tell target to lower voice. Remind him he’s on private property.

c. Yell back

d. Sucker punch target in larynx

e. Use thousand yard waiter stare.

None of these options are satisfactory. The man’s wife looks at me like I’ve strangled her kittens. Saying nothing I reach out, gently take the checkbook out of the man’s hand, and walk over to the register.

I reduce the salad to $10.95, run the credit card, note the name, and return the slip for his signature.

“Have a nice evening sir.” I say politely. They say nothing.

While the couple is getting their coats I remember a previous incident we had with this guy. He bought a steak, ate it, and refused to pay for it – saying it was too expensive. Fluvio lowered the price. This cheapskate uses the threat of making a scene to bully himself into a cheaper meal.

As he walks out he give me a shit eating “I got over on you,” smile.

Tonight I decide discretion is the better part of valor. I just wish them a nice evening.

After they leave I go over to the reservation computer and look up his name. Oh, he has a reservation for New Year’s Eve. How nice. He requested a window seat. Too bad.

I juggle the reservations around. I place a large party in Beady’s coveted window perch. The party is coming earlier so there is no way he can snag that piece of property.

Beady is now sitting next to the men’s room this New Years Eve. He will flip. His wife will cry. It will be glorious.

SUBJECT TERMINATED……………………………………………………………

SEARCHING FOR NEW TARGET…………………………………………………..

CLICK HERE for more juicy tidbits.

Illusions Etc

Man's Face

Can you see the 4 women that make up this man's face?




Click here to see more illusions.

Voice From a 2.5-World Country (India)

The Empire Strikes Back

Finally, here is a forward that I was sent at work today:

To the citizens of the United States of America :-

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee' and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

Look up "vocabulary".

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

Look up "interspersed".

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English" or "American". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. . . .

Pause to consider that this is coming from a nation that struggled mightily to break away from the British Empire, and then click here to read the rest of the rules. Watch out for No. 15.

Stiletto TV 3 (via)

Tofu Plankton Meatloaf

Uptown Hurl

Something truly bizarre struck me today. While on hold for a Capital One customer service representative, I was forced to listen to Billy Joel crooning out his popular 80’s ode to the blue-collar romantic – ‘Uptown Girl’.

What a fucking odd thing to have on a business line where most people are calling in to whine, bitch, and complain about their current credit cards monthly interest rates, available credit limit, transaction fees or finance charges?

Here I am, holding for my opportunity to give what-for, and I’m listening to a song from a guy whose face has permanently been frozen into that of a whipped puppy, waffling on about how he needs more money in his humdrum back street life so that he can continue impressing his uptown girl living in her white bread world?

Shit, apparently she’s not getting that tired of her high-class toys or all the presents from her uptown boys if I still have to call in to beg for further financing so that I can spend the money that I haven’t even made yet in order to impress her!

More correctly, I should just drop the prissy store-bought daddy’s princess off on the nearest street corner and instead take out some toothless downtown broad with runs in her nylons to ‘Jimmy’s Back Alley Bar & Grill’ for some cheapass 'chitlins n’ grits'...or something a bit more easy to finance with the meager pittance that I have left on my available credit?

I could then just leave a big tip in order to demonstrate that I’m a big spender at heart; even if my pathetic credit rating says different.

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The Wasteland (Scotland)

Late Night With David Letterman"



I do like to indulge in a bit of true Americana late of an evening, if nothing else tickles my fancy, and Mr Letterman is a reliable source of distraction if you can bear to switch your brain into full yank mode. Tonight was a winner with Jim Carrey as the main guest - boy that guy is so naturally funny, I love him! His humour seems a notch or two ahead of his peers, and poor old Dave struggled to keep up with the sarcasm and pseudo-ego, which was great. You get so much ass kissing and kooky morality on this and shows like it, it can be an eye-opener - also tonight they celebrated one year of Saddam Hussein's capture with 10 comedy treats he could expect for Christmas: weird and just a little sick, I thought, but an element of perverse brainwashing emanates from US TV and this is all normal folks... Kx

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Sweet and Sour Goth

Sweet and South Goth
Originally uploaded by Grace Nearing.

More people like them...

As if I didn't lose enough faith in humanity, here's a little bit more for us all...

There's a man on a cell phone, hanging in the hallway, leaning up against somebody's door. There's some drunk chick with one hand down his pants, another pulling up his shirt so that she can make out with his abs. (He was kind of furry.) He has one hand on the back of her head, his head is tilted back, and he's really enjoying what's going on... obviously...

That's not the part that disgusts me...

The part that disgusts me was the cell phone conversation he was having...

"Yeah. Of course, honey, I miss you, too. I know, I know, I just haven't seen my brother in such a long time... Yeah, we're having fun, of course. Went to the hockey game... It was a lot of fun. And don't worry, sweetie, I'll be home on Sunday night.... Yeah... Of course.... Uh-huh... Miss you, too. Love you, honey. Tell your mom I said hello. Bye."

Nice. Fucking great.

Ever have an urge to use old garden implements to disembowel people? 'Cuz I sure do...

So I've spent a lot of time thinking about the girl on the phone... who she was... what was going to happen in her life... what made her most happy... if she knew or not...

When I came back from the bathroom (sockless, I might add) they were both gone... The best I can hope for at this moment is that they're sterile... That's all...

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Anywhere but Here

Money giggling and fek arse jobs

Its so funny how a person can believe that his life is incomplete before he gets a certain something. Like a million pounds. Or a beautiful wife. Or even better, a wife with a million pounds. Its like a goal, only more of a fantasy, believing without much conscious thought that life will be perfect only once that “goal” is achieved.

But then that person takes the little things for granted. The fact that he can jingle his limbs, that he can see and hear. I know, this is an old debate, but there’s the little old factor of realization. Sometimes a person sits up and sees these things a little more clearly than before.

And its not just one’s own personal health either. Your entire outlook, the way the world is shaped through your eyes. I enjoy the small things like an impulsive laugh or a stupid humorous argument. I live for them but its fairly difficult to find someone prepared to waste some of his own time for that same purpose.

I’ve had a couple of those for hours, and one I remember specifically is one I had with Dar from ol’ MsN Books, or Brett as he now refers to himself. Why you don’t drown in a bath through your butt-hole, or why people think its rude of pirates to curse when its obvious a hook at the end of your arm would cause some difficulty. You had to be there.

Its just one of those things in life, its perfectly fine to live with a long term goal – or several – in mind, but you need to live from day to day. When things go belly up, screw it, moan about it and do what you need to do to cope, but even a bad day is a good day.

Certainly, I have limits, and I sometimes wonder why the hell I’m doing the job I’m doing, I’m wondering that every day as a matter of fact, but inside I’m still daring for it to get worse.

Its like laughing at someone who falls on his face. Unless he got seriously hurt, everyone laughs at him. Probably everyone laughs at him anyway. But only the guy that fell is me. And I don’t give a crap.

London, England

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A Stubborn Refusal to Die

The American Mastodon

Audrey Tautou
Originally uploaded by Grace Nearing.

AN OPEN LETTER TO AUDREY TAUTOU

Ms. Audrey Tautou
Attn: Claire Blondel
Artmedia
20 avenue Rapp, 75007
Paris, France

Dear Ms. Tautou:

I hope you're well.

Last evening, I had the pleasure of accompanying a friend to see your latest film, "A Very Long Engagement". What a wonderful picture. Your performance was, I am not embarrased to say, quite spectacular. I applaud you many times over. It is more than a little unfair that a woman as beautiful as you should possess such talents and charm. Truly, your presence is further proof of a partisan Creator….

Though I have only seen three of your films, I feel as though I am in a unique position to contact you and ask to meet with you. You see, I live and work in Los Angeles, California, the motion-picture capital of the world. Therefore, we are not, as it might seem, strangers living in far away places but rather, as I prefer to think, colleagues. Oh, the stories I could tell you.

And I hope someday I may.

Let me be quite frank. I would like to be your lover and your friend. You have beautiful eyes. They are large and dark and they remind me of a place that I knew as a child - a place that does not exist but in the innocent mind of youth. A place that I'd still like to venture to. However, I cannot get there without you by my side.

You do not know the color of my eyes, but let me tell you that they are not unspectacular. On occasion, they have been referred to as "nice".

You have wonderful skin. In your latest film your backside is shown, in the nude, being massaged by a young and strapping swimmer. I do not believe that I am out of line to say that I wish I had been cast as the actor whose duty it was to limber up the muscles and tendons of your posterior half. Milky and smooth, I can only imagine the delight that lucky actor felt in running his hands over your body's silky epidermis.

My skin is often dry, but you should know that lately I have been using the oatmeal lotion product Aveeno to startlingly positive effect. Nor have I had a pimple in quite a few weeks.

Audrey, please do not listen to the rumors that you may have heard about me. My body does not boil over in hives during the wonderful act of making love. I am not unambitious yet arrogant, nor am I prone to overwhelming and crushing self-doubt. I am a dynamic young man. I make a wonderful vodka cream sauce, and serve it with whole-wheat organic pasta. I have a blog. I once took a class in Landscape Architecture….

Read more of The American Mastodon's expression of aching love and desire for Audrey Tautou here.

Qui l'eu cru: A French Student's Mis/Adventures in America

Qui l'eu cru
Originally uploaded by Grace Nearing.

NY 911

This morning my friends the old men without Healthcare of the YMCA were all well. Or not really. Or rather not badly. Good as a whole that went if one passes in addition to the fact that a room at the end of my corridor was probably released in an anticipated way.

To make simple, yesterday evening while returning towards 7h30 pm, it was NY 911.

The siren afar, the ambulance which crushes in front of the YMCA, the firemen who divide my elevator. Beautiful adventure.

Except that that does not stop there.

They descend on the same floor as me, me preceding in the corridor, for finally stopping a few meters further. There, they reanimate a Mister who seemed badly-in-point. For the results, I cannot say some more. Not wanting to disturb, I took my courage with two hands, and, with the third, I opened my door, [no] more to open it until the morning.

I know only one thing, the following day in the showers, the old man who spits his lungs was not there….

Good news, this evening with 7h30 I have appointment for a free room in colloc [inexpensive shared housing for students/tourists] until Nov. 4.

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Google translation from French.

Confessions of a Harmless Kind

New Answering Service Installed at Mental Health Institutes

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

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Enzo's Design Space (Taiwan)

Enzo's Design Space
Originally uploaded by Grace Nearing.

Veiled Conceit

A glimpse into that haven of superficial, pretentious, pseudo-aristocratic vanity: The NY Times' Wedding & Celebration Announcements

Cuckhold of his Domain

Nederlander is going to give it another shot...

So remember how, a few years ago, you read that Seinfeld met some recently-married trollop at the Reebok Sports Club and started frenching her in public? Remember how you learned that her husband was none-too-pleased about having his girlfriend stolen like a Schnitzer's marble rye? I believe your exact words were "Sucks to be that guy." But then do you remember how it went on to say that the husband's family was richer than all hell, and that even after his being made a very public cuckold you thought "Still ain't too bad to have his life, better that the gold-digging prostitute be gone."

The digger in this story was (is) the contemptible Jessica Sklar. If you're unfamiliar with her, here's how her story breaks down:

1. Marry rich guy (Nederlander).
2. Use Reebok Club membership he bought you to meet guys at gym.
3. See Jerry Seinfeld and realize he's waaaay richer than your current beau.
4. "Seal the deal" with Seinfeld and hitch your wagon to his gravy train.
5. "Nederlander who?"


….And what's the deal with fidelity, anyway?

But I don't want to give this gutter-bred remora more time than she's worth. Like Nederlander, we must move on and put this episode ("The Vile Slatern," Season 8) in the past. We are, after all, still fabulously wealthy.

Who's the new prize on the Nederlander mantel? She's a doctor, or clinical psychologist at least, so that makes it unlikely that she's a trust fund chaser. And what's her opinion of Jiltfest '99: The Mistress of His Domain?….

Dr. Kupferman teased as she squeezed Mr. Nederlander's hand. "Emotional baggage is my business."

Whoa, doctor! A joke about his emotional baggage just seconds after he described the experience as "extremely difficult...extremely difficult." I trust that she would only say this if she really liked him. Gold-diggers know to hold their tongues in public. Maybe this wife won't be stolen like a Ziggy cartoon….


Oh, there's much, much more here.

Family-No Family

Family-No Family
Originally uploaded by Grace Nearing.

By Swedish photographer Per Sander Helenius

Cute and Fluffy Squeak

Dante's Inferno Test Scores
Originally uploaded by Grace Nearing.

What do you know...

Apparently I am going to hell. Notice I am also matched very well with the lustful hell, and the gloomy hell. I am a lustful, gloomy heretic prone to gluttony, violence, and maliciousness.

Dante's Inferno Test

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Spongebob's English Course

What if you were drafted by the government?

If I was drafted by the government I would ask them, "Where are you drafting me into". If they say they want me to go into Iraq I would be very mad cause, I wouldn't fight for this country, only if my family was in jepordy. I would fight because, I like using wepons and helping people in need. I really don't like this topic. I wish that the topic was about something else like Spongebob, Basketball or Football. I'm also not a good typer and my fingers are hurting. Some people type really fast in this classroom so they get done with they work faster then me. That's all I'm going to write about, on this topic.

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Rap Life

Rap Life
Originally uploaded by Grace Nearing.

From Trouble Crunk

Back to Your Corner

My little blue bike
Awww.

When I was 5, my teenaged next door neighbor spray-painted his old bike blue and gave it to me. I learned to ride on it. I remember my mom making a big deal about the fact that it was a Schwinn. That meant much less to me than it did to her. When she grew up the Schwinn bike was a status symbol - a sign of middle-class prosperity. For the last two decades we haven't even heard the name. Here's an interesting article from today's Washington Post about the Schwinn bicycle company and its financial condition in the new world economy.

What happened? At the end of the 1970's, Schwinn started outsourcing to Taiwan. The Taiwanese suppliers learned how to manufacture bikes and discovered that they could sell their own poor-quality copies at a much cheaper price. Schwinn could no longer compete. That fact, coupled with new trends like BMX and mountain biking, signaled the end for a once-proud bike manufacturer. A flexible company might have adapted, but Schwinn stubbornly stayed true to it's traditional American roots. In 1993 they went bankrupt.

That in itself is enough to make you think twice about globalization. What's perhaps more interesting about this story is the broader picture - looking at the Schwinn company as it exemplifies the fate of American manufacturing (and the American middle-class) in the late-20th and early-21st centuries….

What's going on with Schwinn today? Good question. In 2001 a Canadian businessman bought the Schwinn company out of its second bankruptcy. Today, he imports inexpensive low-quality bikes from China and sells them under the Schwinn name. They're a huge hit at Wal-Mart this holiday season.

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The Logic Chronicles

Boxed in, thrown out

I spent the night breaking down cardboard boxes from the chairs and my weirdly accumulated stash in the den. I put them out by the street for recycling and trash day tomorrow. I watered the lawn and fell asleep for two hours and forgot the sprinklers were on. I walked the dog. I ate a bowl of cereal for dinner at 10pm. I called my mom, who's out of town at a conference. I ordered a bunch of new perfume oils on Ebay.

And I worried that tomorrow the bell is gonna toll for me at work, because I've had a nasty feeling about it. Not like I don't do these things to myself, however unintentional or unplanned. I'm not good at clocks. I am good with working on and finishing projects, meeting deadlines and giving a shit about the work I do. I have no idea about tomorrow. It's Friday, and that's the day employers like to fire. I'll be looking for an empty box under my cube when I get there in the morning….

I looked in the mirror tonite. I am so stressed out by the job, by the dog who is at his wit's end with being inside now after all those wonderful summer nights spent at the dog park. He's restless, I'm worried about my job and what I'll do if I lose it and I'm feeling very alone and sort of depressed but in a weird kind of way... life is a box. I'm all taped in. Can't get out.

CONTINUE READING

So L. Sez to B. She Sez

God and I are gonna build the bestest fort ever.

Whenever I go to a religious event of any sort I always feel like im watching children playing.

- build a fort
- play dress-up
- make rules that have no discernable purpose.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there is someone watching from some other dimension who is really concerned about us going to church on sunday so we can pretend we are eating his body and drinking his blood, but somehow I doubt it. I mean sure the universe is infinite so this is all possible, but really doesnt that seem just a little silly and frankly just grotesque? Normally in these situations I try to turn my this-is-absurd smirk into a aww-how-charming smile I doubt it works, but hey I try. There are times however when this is extremely difficult.

I was at a baptism on sat, and after the priest drenched the head of this baby in the name of christ or whatever, a little girl in the audience (is that what you call a crowd gathered for a baptism?)said "Now his head is all wet". Not exactly the funniest line ever uttered, but coincidentally exactly what I was thinking. Good call kid. Then people came up and congratulated the mother. "Good Job letting that old guy dump water on your babies head" - "Oh thank you it took a lot of effort on my part." I'm not sure I will ever understand how people can beleive wholeheartedly in this stuff. I can see beleiving in god, but all the weird rituals? You do know your just doing those to convince yourselves right?

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Bakfikkan

Elevator Puddles

Saturday night R and I left the apartment to go to R's birthday celebration at her friend's house. With each of us carrying a cake for the party, we approached the elevators and could hear a very loud argument that sounded like it was coming from the shaft on the right. Yelling, cursing, and general discontent could be heard as we kept our fingers crossed for the elevator on the left to arrive first. Ironically, this was the elevator we were going to wish we had missed. The doors on the left opened first and we stepped quickly into a large puddle covering the entire floor of the elevator (which is thankfully rubberized).
"There's a lot of water on the floor in here," R commented.
"Well, it is raining," I said.
"Still, it's a lot of water," R exclaimed as the doors opened in the lobby.
We were met with a very strange scene: One of the many different security guards that work different nights in the building was yelling at two men. One of the men was wearing only a t-shirt, boxer shorts and socks and the other had a broken nose that was bandaged and two black eyes that were swelled shut.
"You see," said the security guard to the man in boxers pointing at R and I as we stepped off the elevator, "people are walking in your urine!"
Disgusted, R and I decided to stay to see how this would all pan out. We had seen these two men several times before and, like this time as well, we had never seen either one of them sober. On one occasion, shortly after the first Bush-Kerry debate, we had had the pleasure of riding in the elevator with the boxer-shorted man (hereafter referred to as "el Urinador") and learned that he "liked bush". If only I had taken the chance to explain that it's not about whether or not you like the guy, he might not have peed in that elevator.
I digress. El Urinador was looking particularly unsober this evening as the security guard explained to him, "you either go get a mop and clean it up or I'll mop it up with your head."
This seemed a bit silly, though I wouldn't have put it past this particular guard as he's a lot bigger than any of the other guards I've met....

CONTINUE READING

Sanity's Evanescence

Wango Reloaded
Originally uploaded by Grace Nearing.

3 Hours Of Pain, Torture, And Really Numb Asses...

Another 12 hours at school...
12 hours of pain, stupidity, and talking cats on Prozac.
The Seussical is really taking a lot out of me.
Lately, I've been really, really tired, and kinda messed up.
Yes, even more.

The Seussical is actually pretty good. I really enjoyed the part about "General Gengkis Khan Schmidtz"
However, what I really don't get is why the inner "love story" in this thing is between a BIRD and an ELEPHANT.

A freakin bird and an elephant. From what I've learned in biology, that wouldn't work out too well.

But they continue to force feed us this idea that the bird and the elephant will fall in love. I really do have a problem with this, especially cuz A FREAKING ELEPHANT IS GETTIN MORE THAN I AM...

And that ends my little tirade (big word ^^) against the otherwise not-so-bad Seussical.

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Steph and the City

Steph and the City
Originally uploaded by Grace Nearing.

Red Light Special
2:01 AM
--------
I was getting ready to shower...
When I hear my neighbors getting it on.

You see... when you are in student housing, it seems ok..
But in a condo, (most likely) they are:

a) OLD
b) FAT
c) OLD AND FAT

It's like that episode of SATC, when Samantha can hear her neighbors being
amorous. She shows up in lingerie to join them, and sees how truly unsexy they are.

I will not be joining them, but I am sure they are unsexy.

Bleh. I want to believe storks bring babies!!! BLeh.

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Image's Diary

Image's Diary
Originally uploaded by Grace Nearing.

Poster for 2004 Taiwan Presidential Election

CLICK HERE FOR MORE PHOTOS

Lost in Guam

A man's struggle through love, life on the Island of Guam

Tuesday Night Madness
Wasted
By 7:30 pm I was already trashed. D kept calling and texting to check on me, I kept saying i was ok. I told him I wanted to be alone tonight, with my vodka and pills.

8:00 My estranged wife called, asking if she can have one of the beds in my house. She said she was looking for someone to pick it up. I snapped and said, I can bring it to her and told her that even though we were no longer together, I can still help her. That we can at least remain friends.
She got argumentative, but hey, that's her. A couple of minutes later she figured that she was arguing for no reason at all so, she stopped and sweetly asked if I can do it this weekend. Of course, anything, whatever.

8:something D comes over, and seeing me in fine form asks for a drink and whatever pharmaceuticals I have left.

I got totally drunk and emo again and at some point I guess he called the cavalry. He thought I was ODing, Mme, B and Al came over.

Mme insisted that I be brought to the hospital. I said hell no, no one sees me like this in public. She said I had no right to die because her birthday was this Friday and we have to party....
CONTINUE READING

The Incognito Consort

Midnight Mischief
Originally uploaded by Grace Nearing.

How to make a six-figure salary with your eyes closed...Literally!

Now doesn't that just sound like the perfect subject line of some wonderful spam clogging up your inbox?

While mulling over martinis with a fellow consort friend, we came up with this wonderful truism.

Jade is the girl who really got me started in the biz/I'm the one who gave her the guts to go ahead and take the plunge.

We each had had our brushes undergrad poverty; she as a destitute student searching the sidewalks for change to take the subway to class and rationing her supply of brown rice, I a veteran of a self-imposed $20/month budget who went on dates with despicable men just for the meal. We had each dabbled in a bit of compensated naughtiness (watching guys jack off, absolutely incriminating (and incredibly underpaid) photo shoots for "personal pornography collections"), but neither of us went ahead with our full-on pursuits until we knew the other was doing so. She has proved an invaluable resource and most of all, friend.

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