The "Next Blog" Blog

Cake Wrecks

2009-08-05T21:45:00.002-04:00

When professional cakes go horribly, hilariously wrong.

Sample more Cake Wrecks here.

Yo

2009-08-01T12:28:00.001-04:00

(Via)

Truly brilliant casting

2009-06-22T05:28:00.001-04:00

From Funatico comes some truly brilliant casting for a (hypothetical) live-action Simpsons movie. My two favorites are Willem Dafoe as Mr. Burns and Stephen Colbert as Weyland Smithers. Definitely check out Ewan McGregor as Bart, Dustin Hoffman as Milhous, and Steve Buscemi as Moe Syzlak.

Dialing for Jesus

2009-06-07T18:02:00.003-04:00

Via

How we say hello

2009-06-05T00:41:00.002-04:00

Famapa lives in London, England, and Sandra in Gothenburg, Sweden. Each week one chooses a theme for their pictures -- with surprising outcomes.

Click image to enlarge.

Stop by and say hello to How We Say Hello.

Life Lesson No. 3

2009-05-30T21:34:00.002-04:00

Via the whimsically fractured Jon Lajoie.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies!

2009-04-24T05:36:00.003-04:00

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: The Classic Regency Romance -- Now With Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem!

By Seth Grahame Smith and Jane Austen

Book Description

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies features the original text of Jane Austen's beloved novel with all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie action. As our story opens, a mysterious plague has fallen upon the quiet English village of Meryton—and the dead are returning to life! Feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet is determined to wipe out the zombie menace, but she's soon distracted by the arrival of the haughty and arrogant Mr. Darcy. What ensues is a delightful comedy of manners with plenty of civilized sparring between the two young lovers—and even more violent sparring on the blood-soaked battlefield as Elizabeth wages war against hordes of flesh-eating undead.

[Yes, it is a real book. It even has more than 50 customer reviews on Amazon.]

Fail faster. Succeed sooner.

2009-04-19T22:32:00.002-04:00

From Fail faster. Succeed sooner. [Hungary]

Scene at Trader Joe's

2009-04-12T23:45:00.001-04:00

From Excuse the Mess, That Was Just My Head

Me, in pipe line (12 items or less line), with 1 (one) can of soup in my hand.
2 people in front of me. Each with about 5 or 6 items in their baskets.

Me: (thinking own thoughts)

Woman in line behind me: (tapping shoulder) Excuse me? I'm talking to you. Can i get ahead of you? I'm in a hurry. (I look at her cart, she's got about 18 items).

Me: I've got one can of soup. This is the express lane.

Woman behind me: I'm in a hurry.

Me: ::blank stare::

Man behind her: Are you kidding?

Man in front of me: Wait, that's all you have? Go ahead of me.

Woman behind me: So I can't go before you? ::Grabs cart and gets out of line. Hitting me in the hip as she huffs off.::

Me, to man in front of me: Thank you, you're very kind.

Man in front: oh, hey no problem.

(Smiles are exchanged.)
I check out.
Cranky woman has also finished checking out and is walking out at the same time I am.
I'm ignoring her.

Her: (hissed through teeth) Bitch.

Public Domain Theater

2009-04-05T04:08:00.001-04:00

Today’s feature, The Relaxed Wife (1957), is a surrealistic public service presentation via Roerig and Pfizer. Just think of Mr. Bean, freaked by his Dali-esque living conditions, discovering that he can achieve ataraxia by taking a substance that looks suspiciously like crystal meth but is really a tranquilizer. Oh, and wifey gets hooked first.

Of all the states throughout this nation,
the happiest by far
is the state of relaxation.

They’ll be fewer breakdowns and insomniacs
when more of us
have learned to be relaxed.

Remember: If you have tension problems, discuss them with your doctor.

At the conclusion of tonight's feature presentation, please exit the theater using the rear exit doors, depositing all trash in the receptacles located next to each exit door and in the main lobby. Thank you!

Cross-posted at Scriptoids.

Revenge of the GRE

2009-04-04T05:43:00.002-04:00

[NOTE: The Graduate Record Exam is the hellish rite of passage for college students who, facing the prospect of actually leaving their dorm rooms, decide they’d like to spend another 4, 5, or 6 years in campus housing.]

I used to think I was a pretty smart guy. Then I took the GRE.

Ever since that heinous experience eight years ago, I've always gone out of my way to counsel any friend of mine who is getting ready to take the test:

"Keep in mind, it's a test to get you into grad school. It's not like the ACT or the SAT," I'd say.

"It's designed to take top-tier students and spread them out on a measurable spectrum," I'd say.

“Don't worry, it's supposed to be a ruthless, masochistic assault on your sense of self-worth as an intelligent human being that will kick you to the academic curb thinking your only sensible career option is to be first assistant to the guy scraping congealed grease off the floor at Denny's," I'd say.

I never got an exact count, but I felt like I got about 20% of the questions right on that stupid test….

Two weeks ago I took the GRE again.

Read the rest of the story at Wounded Mosquito.

Mustaches of the Nineteenth Century

2009-04-03T03:51:00.002-04:00

For an extraordinary collection of era-specific mustaches and invaluable resource links to mustachiana, there’s no better blog than Mustaches of the Nineteenth Century.

From the opening page…

Dear Gentle Reader,

Many of the following pages have graphic and clear images of the masculine mustache in all its forms, both sublime and grotesque. My intent is not to shock or titillate, but merely to inform on the subject. The Nineteenth Century gave us many things, but above all it was a hotbed of facial hair experimentation and this is but a poor sampling of those many lost forms.

This is SPARTA!

2009-03-26T01:50:00.002-04:00

Bragster is Jackass meets Facebook. Yeah, just think about that. People who have taken on the This Is Sparta dare have uploaded their acts of courage. Go visit.

Munch-kin

2009-03-25T02:12:00.002-04:00

From Ms Julie’s Art School.

If I didn't...

2009-03-22T03:32:00.002-04:00

From the delightful Miss Head

If I didn't…

_work as your lab partner in Chemistry
_go on a family vacation with you
_get stuck in a carpool with you
_share a hotel room with you and four others on Spring Break
_drive with you and your sister to Florida
_live on your dorm floor
_drink all your beer on successive weekends
_make you jello for your birthday
_go through a haunted house with you
_bitch about work with you over beer
_try to horn in on your torts study group
_make out with you during a drunken brawl and then pretend it never happened
_spend an entire Saturday with you in another state then never see you again
_go to your wedding because I'm friends with your mom
_act as your bridesmaid
_borrow your car to go buy beer
_paint your living room
_ask you to help me move
_work in student government with you
_have you as my human sexuality TA
_go to your house for Thanksgiving
_ride on the bus with you for junior high
_steal your Legos
_shower in your outdoor shower in an effort to reduce the hangover
_go to breakfast with you after a great party
_share an apartment with you
_know your "french" name from high school
_hang out with you at a Halloween party
_go to the Knight's Inn with you and another 20 people after prom
_drink your wine and eat your snacks
_watch "Lost" with you
_play golf with you
_go to camp with you

If I didn't do any of those things? I'm ignoring your friend request on Facebook.

Go visit Miss Head here. She’ll be waiting.

On her 50th birthday, Barbie looks into a mirror under some really bad fluorescent lighting

2009-03-16T00:51:00.003-04:00

Image title: Barbie has grown old
By: imaniceguy
See the website for additional copyrighted images.

[h/t Every Photo Tells a Story]

The mysterious young girl in the big plaid jacket

2009-03-16T00:33:00.003-04:00

From Osare [Japan].

The Way It's Done

2009-02-17T23:35:00.002-05:00

From Kenmeer Livermaile at Nine Billion Names and Counting. Go visit!

Cats: Succulent and delicious

2009-02-15T01:50:00.001-05:00

I had just pulled several all nighters, and was finally flying home. On my flight, a kindly old lady sat next to me. We chatted pleasantly before the plane took off, and afterwards I hinted that I wished to get some sleep.

The nice old lady must have not gotten my message.

“Do you like cats?” She asked me, pulling out a photo album.

“Why yes, I love cats,” I replied politely.

Delighted, she began to point out her favorite pictures of her cats.

“Wow,” I exclaimed. “My mother would love that cat,” I pointed.

“Really, you think so?” She replied, eyes wide with happiness.

“Yes, she’s always mentioned how hard it is to find a coat of that color,” I replied, innocently. “The cats I usually deal with don’t have such a nice sheen to their fur, since it supposedly subtracts from the taste,” I continued gamely.

Her mouth widened in shock.

“Oh, dear God,” she muttered.

I nodded, and assumed that her dismay was at the injustice of cats not being able to provide both a delicate taste as well as a lush coat.

“Most of the time, people just throw away the body of such a beautiful cat after they take its coat.” I tapped the photo, shook my head sadly and sighed. “So wasteful,” I stated.

“I, on the other hand, believe that a beautiful animal must be succulent as well no matter what the ‘experts’ say. It’s all about the preparation. You can’t prepare a dish from a beautiful animal the same way you prepare a dish from a common food cat. It requires proper seasoning and extra caution,” I told her.

“Truth be told though, sometimes I’ve found that a little hot sauce brings out the taste perfectly,” I confided in her and winked.

The kind woman’s face steadily changed from apprehension to dismay to pure horror. She stiffened.

“I believe I’ll read my book now if it’s all right with you,” she murmured weakly and turned away.

I let a look of dismay cross my face. I had hoped to exchange recipes with her.

I woke up at the end of my flight feeling refreshed and content. I got off the plane with a smile and was happy to be home.

By the sagacious Artificial Wisdom at Infinited. Go stop by for a visit!

Sunday funnies

2009-02-08T01:56:00.002-05:00

Tired of contemplating what taking up residence in a giant cardboard box positioned over a steam grate will be like? Then head on over to Joey DeVilla‘s The Adventures of Accordion Guy in the 21st Century and smile again. This week’s treats include:

A Teddy Bear for Your Hipster Lifestyle

The Sad Man’s Kama Sutra

1960’s Style Covers for Movie Novelizations, featuring artwork created by Spacesick

This is how Spacesick envisions Willy Wonka as a Japanese novelization, Wonka-san! Just Punisher of Coddled Children.

Cross-posted at Scriptoids.

The coolest guy in the world

2009-02-02T20:48:00.002-05:00

Sure, it's easy to look at this still from Executive Decision (one of my guiltiest and most pleasurable "guilty pleasure" movies) and just see a knuckleheaded extra, or a film flub... but when I look at it?

I see the Most Together Dude in Film History.

Think of it: the plane has been hijacked by crazed terrorists with machine guns and bioweapons. They're executing folks right and left.

But this guy? He's still enjoying the in-flight entertainment.

You, sir, are The Man.

Definitely go visit Michael Markowitz over at Should've Asked Me.

Alien Billboard

2009-01-23T12:55:00.003-05:00

Click here for more clever and creative billboard advertising.

The Blank Page

2009-01-07T21:38:00.001-05:00

I love paper. Not just any paper, mind you. There's a certain allure to blank parchment, waiting to be filled. Whenever I go to Barnes & Noble or Borders, I can't help but go straight to the section filled with journals and address books. The journals beckon to me, inviting me to fill their starchy-white pages with words. I browse the leather-bound parchments with visions of what would fill the books. Short stories in a thin volume bound in green leather adorned with Celtic knot work. Spiritual poetry in a thick, bright red tome embossed with a heart aflame. Daily entries into the plain and flat leather-back, it's surface rugged with the tanning process.

I can see them all in my mind's eye, filled and proud, while sitting on my bookshelf. They would gather the proper amount of dust, of course; enough dust would add to the maturity of the book's character, mellowing its look, its feel and its smell.

The reams of blank paper seem to scream for somebody to fill them, and the ironic thing is that I know I never can. Yes, I am a writer….

Continue reading “The Blank Page" at Lord Jones Is Dead.

Shocks to the system

2008-12-25T19:08:00.001-05:00

From Bre Pettis comes this intriguing series of illustrations designed to provide clear and concise DIY instructions for getting juiced up. The original illustrations appeared in Electroschutz in 132 Bildern, which presumably was meant to instruct, not terrify, a non-electro-savvy populace on how to survive its daily encounters with newfangled technology. But Mein Gott, it clearly details 132 different ways to kill yourself, kill your spouse, kill your children (or less incriminating, let your children kill themselves), scorch your tenement, and burn your morning toast.

Hat tip to Accordion Guy.
Cross-posted at Scriptoids.

The Quinn Account

2008-11-08T04:32:00.001-05:00

This is Quinn. Though young, he’s quite the traveller. He’s traveled all around America. He‘s been to Paris, strolled through Turkish bazaars, and roamed through Bratislava and Tbilisi. He’s also cut a dashing figure in his Euro-sleek formal dinner wear. You can follow Quinn’s illustrated adventures here at The Quinn Account.