Monday, November 22, 2004
Useless, pointless stuff that nobody cares about.
It's that time of year...
Thanksgiving is quickly approaching. The ultimate fat guy's holiday. Gotta love it. I'd like to make a list of things that I'm thankful for.
1. Native Americans. Where would we be without you? You gave us this beautiful gift of Thanksgiving. Sorry we had to practically wipe out your entire civilization via war and disease. That common cold is a bitch, though. Get some f'n immunity. My point is illustrated here. Maybe you should have tried to advance your society once in a while. Oh well, I guess you learned your lesson. Thanks for casinos, though.
2. The internet. Where else can you listen to music, research a paper and look at porn at the same time? Thanks Al Gore. You crazy democrats and your inventing things...
3. Jack in the Box. What can I say about you? Funny commercials, good food, tacos. Despite the fact that you piss me off a lot with your retarded employees, I keep coming back. (Funny story: At a dairy queen in a small town here in Texas, my mom and I stopped to get a couple blizzards and a couple chicken finger baskets [she didn't want anything, though.] There was this um...what's the PC word these days? Retarded? No, that's not it. Anyway, a mentally challenged guy working there. When he gave me my food, he literally drooled in it. I made my mom just drive off. Corky just sat there in the drive through window and started at us. It was mean, I guess, but I didn't really want drool in my food and if we complained, he might have been fired. My theory was that it was better to leave him really, really confused than unemployed. I know I digress, but the "retarded employee" thing reminded me of that story.)
4. I'm thankful for things I hate. Without them, what would I complain about? I like to complain. So thank you theater people, Democrats, P.E.T.A., etc. You give me plenty of reasons to bitch about things.
5. Irony, unintentional comedy, sarcasm and cynicism, and people that will laugh at a Christopher Reeve joke without saying "Oh Dale, that's awful." These things make my world go 'round. Where would we be without them? England, I bet. I've seen BBC. Not funny.
6. My heroes. Ben Roethlisberger, Amy Lee (more like my imaginary girlfriend than hero), Maynard James Keenan, Jesus (Ferguson and the regular one), Alec Baldwin, Mitch Hedberg, Tom Osborne, John Steinbeck, Jon Stewart, Seth MacFarlane, whoever makes Tshirthell.com and Bea Arthur. Oh, I almost forgot Partick Warburton.
7. Last but not least, my loyal readers. You all are awesome. Hahaha....not really. I hate a lot of you assholes, but since I hate you, refer to #4.