Sunday, October 30, 2005

Drivel and bunk

Do I make sense?!

I know one isn't supposed to expect the worst but it has served me well thus far. I think it is okay to expect the worst as long one sometimes entertains the possibility for less than the worst and maybe even hopes for the best, even if one doesn't think it will happen. Does that make sense?

Anyway, thanks to my worst-expecting ways I am only a smidge angry and tad crushed but mostly relieved by and I think even happy about a recent turn of events which I will not describe here. However, I think it is important to share my emotions and I know that I will want to remember them in the future, especially if they should change and sadness or anger should be greater than I currently think they are.

Why I can't actually assess how angry I am:
Usually I only have anger for myself which is easy because I know how much I can blame myself and I know exactly (well sometimes I get this part wrong) what my motives and intent are. I don't know how to deal with situations in which I should be angry at other people. Usually I stew for a bit and then I'm over it within a few hours. You'd think it would be good to forgive so easily but sometimes other people deserve your anger because they need to see that what they did was wrong and has affected you. I think that already any anger I had over the current situation has been reasoned away.

Why I can't actually assess how sad I am:
Usually I will not allow myself to be sad about the thing that has made me sad and instead I express it as sadness over something else. Well, really I collect a lot of different sadnesses and then feel and express them all at once, and then it is hard to tell the level of sadness attributed to each cause. Does that make sense?

The only emotion I express truly is momentary excitement and amusement but I fake that sometimes so even if I know when it is real, you may not. I'm not a very good faker though, people can generally see right through me.

I realized it is wrong to preface an entry by saying it is uninteresting because doing so makes people want to read said entry all the more, which is the opposite of what I want to happen. I'm actually just warning you, not trying to get more attention or anything.

I was thinking recently about how I am a bad Christian because I embrace pessimism. I really do love it. I like to imagine a future in which I am like that character in Sideways (the book not the movie) or Harvey Pekar (both have been portrayed by Paul Giamatti!). This is a decidedly un-Christian viewpoint. If I could find that branch of Christianity that allows one to not hope, I am sure I would ascribe to it, although I imagine its other beliefs would be quite scary. Also, I know logically that pessimism is bad for you. How can something so bad be so appealing?

I actually woke up, turned off my alarm, fell back asleep, and forgot the whole thing happened. I know this because I used my cell phone as an alarm and it is not where it was when I fell asleep.

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