Tuesday, February 01, 2005


The Heat Won't Fix Itself - The Finale

“Wanna watch a DVD? I just got Garden State and the digitally remastered entire first season of Girlfriends. My buddies are gonna go nuts over how ironic I’ve become since yesterday,” exclaimed the 10 year old hipster as he romped through his DVD collection.

Without any spirit whatsoever, I clapped my mittens together twice and tacitly displayed my discontent with the situation by saying “Murder me” over and over in my head and occasionally out loud. I wish The Super would get back before this twerp continues this assault on my intelligence and good taste. Oh god. Too late.

And so he put Girlfriends in.

Actual dialogue from the show
A horse faced girl says to another horse face, “Oh no girlfriend. Oh no you din’t.”
“Oh yes I did, girlfriend. What you gonna do about it?”
“I’ll mop the floor with your long mane, girlfriend!”
“Girlfriend, Puh-leeze!”
Then a horse faced guy enters the scene, “Stop it you two!!! Just fucking stop it. We’re supposed to all be girlfriends.”
“He’s right. We’ll never again let shit come between us, girlfriend.”
They all hug and whinnie.
End of Episode 1

This continued for about 6 and a half more episodes. All of which ended the exact same way. If it wasn't enough to listen to the banal discourse on TV, I was getting Chinese finger cuffed with inanity from this ludicrous child--droning on and on about the deaths of emo, electroclash, and his pet iguana named Conor.

“Is he gone yet?” whispered a sneaky voice from within one of the nearby bedrooms.

"What was that?! Super! Are you in here?!" I was suddenly alert and fuming.

"Maybe. What's it to you?" the voice responded.

"Fix my heat, you bastard. This apartment is like a bathhouse without all the dudes! Inuits couldn't survive in mine. I can't believe this douche made me watch 7 episodes of Girlfriends for the sake of irony! I've had enough. I'm beating up both of you."

"All right all right. I'll turn the heat up." The Super slithered over to a thermostat that controlled the whole building and moved the lever on my apartment from 10 degrees to 60. "There! Are you happy?!"


We all began hugging and whinnying until I realized I hated the two of them.



Bartleby said...

Thanks for finishing the story. I'm pretty sure I don't understand it, but at least I have that feeling of completeness.

Grace said...

I had a feeling you were waiting for the final installment. -- Grace