Moving on... Mourning There After...
I guess the best way to describe myself in more depth than to say "simply complex" is to give you a better understanding.
I am a VERY emotionally charged person. I live and will die by my emotions. They are the rejuvenation that gives me strength. They are also the poison that consumes my courage... That being said, my feelings only get hurt if I let you get close enough to do that to me. And in truth, the only part that hurts is that I made an err in judgement. Now the aftermath... the poetry, the stories, the venting and the rage. Those are my reminders.
See now this is truth, had T called me one day and asked for anything short of getting back together I would have done it for her. She knows it and I know it. Why? - Because I remember what it is like to not have anyone there for me and my kids and anything someone could do to help was tremendously appreciated. But NOW.... T could be rolling on the ground with her face on fire and I would not piss on her to put it out.
- But you ask "How can you despise someone so much but write something so highly emotionally charged just the day before?"
- I'm glad you asked that... see with me. Events stay in my mind alot and I harbor ill will to others. Now that doesn't mean I'll crank call.... sign up your email for spam. Leave a phone number on the street pole "call if you want a good time"... but if I see you in passing. I won't acknowledge you at all. You will turn to glass and I will walk past you as if you were clear and transparent. If you are with someone that I know - I will acknowledge them and ignore you completely. I have realized in my travels that not fighting is the best way to enact your revenge. Why make a scene? All that does it justify to the person that you still think about them. Sabotage that thought by not giving them anything to go on. Don't give them a leg up... make it as if they never existed in your life.
Yes, I know... I'm colder than snowman's heart. But that's how I act.... so where does the fire and rage come from. That's what I keep close to me as a reminder that not everyone means me well. People can say one thing... but mean something else. They may do one thing - but hope for another outcome.
So in my cold heart sits fuel that burns longer than napalm and brighter than magnesium... it can be sparked easier than a water proof match... but it is easily extinguished like a paper fire with foam.
... that being said. Please do not get it twisted... I may write about someone from the past but that's only because something sparked me. It's not me "longing" to be with them... there are few exceptions to who I actually still talk to from my past. That is only because they didn't do anything wrong to me and I was the asshole that fucked up... well I fucked up in all of them but I guess you can say that they didn't help me fuck it up anymore than before... ie: chariz, steph, joni (when she's straight) and even nakia... we're not the best of friends and we don't talk on the regular. But it is amicable and pleasant whenever we do chop it up.
Today... work was hell. It is just getting harder sometimes. It doesn't help that office politics and racism are playing greater roles in just the daily activities. I hate this office...
I got to talk to Temptation today, early this morning too... wild how someone can make your day a bit easier just by listening to you and talking to you. She is really nice. Nicer than I thought and amazingly we share alot in common. She is not indifferent to tell me her feelings and take a stand on her own issues... even the issues (first person to admit that she was paranoid... *being nice*). I don't know what's going to happen in that situation... guess only time will tell how that scenario will play out.